When I stop

I rarely allow myself to stop and think. When I do I think of everything I've lost, pain I've both felt and caused and everything I've endured...I'm filled with regret and wish I could go back and start all over again.

I'm still not that far removed from intense pain. It crossed my mind today.

I don't think I'm completely fixed. I'm happy now. My life is better. I'm making it work. But it's not easy all the time.

I really do get the ole Holden Caulfield dictum not to tell anyone anything. Just thinking about it all almost hurts too badly.

Just a frustration post

Shout out into the infinite abyss. She's not how I want her to be. She doesn't want what I want out of life. And I know that I can't convince her to change into what I want her to be. But where does that leave us? It leaves us both dissatisfied. She'll always want us to lead mostly separate lives. And I'll always want us to lead our lives together. And she'll always want us to do everything and I'll only want to occasionally do things. How can we both be happy, and be together? I don't know if there's an answer.

Money Sounds

This song reminds me of everything I've lost. And it reminds me that it's gone and that I can't get it back. It's painful in that way that it's helpful to cling to your pain. I'm not ready to let it go. Not quite yet.

Regrets

If I'm anything I'm a man with regrets. I wonder if that correlates to mental illness. It's not useful to regret your life. It's not actionable. There's no upside into focusing on things that you truly cannot change. It's over and done. But that doesn't stop me. I find myself constantly turning my regrets over in my head, thinking about what I could have or should have done differently and quietly wishing I could change it all. It doesn't matter that it's unhealthy. That's what I do.

Never feel safe

I never feel safe...but should I? I feel like I should live in the state of frightened anxiety and assume that I'm on the brink of unbearable heartbreak and failure. Is that not what you do?

My anxiety waxes and wanes

Sometimes I'm fine. Sometimes I'm not. I'm better than I was at the beginning...but sometimes I still feel like I'm being crushed under the weight of my anxiety. And I don't really know how to improve longer term. I'm suffocating her a bit.

I act out. I don't communicate. And I'm actually the better communicator out of the two of us. I just want it all so badly. And I can feel that she does, too. At least she does most of the time.

It's been a crazy roller-coaster ride. The sex. The lies. The insecurities. On both sides, really. But I'm still in. I still want it. Maybe more than anything. Part of me thinks it won't work, but I have to try. Part of me thinks that this is my last shot, but it's a shot.

No matter what else happens, I'm going to try to grow. I'm going to try to get better. I'm going to try to learn. Hopefully we'll do it together.

She told me

Today she told me, "I love the way you root for people. You have a positive impact on so many people's lives."

It's such a nice thing to say.